Cthulhu if by Sea

So, I entered a dialogue only micro-flash fiction (300 words) contest for October. I didn’t win, but they went ahead and ran my story anyway… for you, this means a free, first runner-up comedy dialogue about a lovable fictional creature. Enjoy!

Cthulhu if by Sea

“A Cthulhu, really?” said the barkeep.

“Yeah, mate. By my car.”

“You’re fucked. I’ve heard a lot of dodgy shit before, but come on. You having a go at me?”

“No, it was sitting there trying to light up. Kept getting the ciggy all wet, couldn’t figure out the lighter.”

“Go on mate. Shove off.”

“I’m not going anywhere. You go get rid of that … that fucking sushi, and then I’ll be off. ‘Till then, grab me a pint.”

“Think you’ve had a few pints too many, yeah? Fucking Cthulhu. Bollocks.”

“Five quid, then.”

“You already owe me five quid for the pints.”

“Double or nothing then. Ten quid if no squid.”

“Okay, I’ll bite. Let me go look.”

“What’s he doing out there?” said the patron.

“He’s eating a cat.”


“A feline, for Christ’s sake, he’s eating a cat.

“Don’t know why that’s shocking. That is their diet.”

“Just never actually seen it is all. Why are you so worried? There hasn’t been a Cthulhu related death in Sussex for 20 years.”

“I don’t like the smell. And they always want to know the time. It’s like, I get it, you have a schedule to keep. But, buy a watch. I wish they’d leave.”

“It’s the fog and the stray cats.”

“That’s it I’m moving to Arizona, they don’t have this problem.”

“Stray cats?”

“No you wanker, fog and rain.”

“Daylight Savings Time neither.”


“My friend Eddie moved there and tells me they don’t have daylight savings time.”

“Must be nice.”

“What, no daylight savings, or no Cthulhu?”

“No rain or fog.”

“Ah. Yeah. S’pose so. But they’ve got Chupacabra.”

“That’s a myth.”

“It’s their arms. Too tapered and slippery.”


“They can’t wear a watch because it won’t stay on proper.”

“S’pose you’ve got a point.”

“That’s why they’re always late.”


“Yeah, one’s got a job at the bank.”

“Now you’re having me on,”

“Yeah. Want another pint?”

2 thoughts on “Cthulhu if by Sea

  1. The dialogue and “accent” were wonderful. A very imaginative piece.I will echo the compliment Terry gave that you keep getting better and better. Love you!

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