Below is a blog from 2007. I am up late tonight, having had an eventful day and being that I am a writer and writers never sleep.
It is what it is.
I do not intend on posting a bunch of old stuff about the early days when I got sober, what seems like so very long ago, but being as I was baptized this evening, and that I am up at 2:14 am and came across this, I think God may be telling me something. Who knows? It could just be the insomnia eating away the more important bits of my brain, and causing a slight case of insanity.
It is what it is.
Aug 3, 2007 This blog entry refers to insomnia Current mood: awake
I am up late again. This has got to stop.
My insomnia has gotten me into shit before. I fell into the bottle. I made a home in that bottle. The slick glass walls of it shielded me from the responsibilities I was prepared to abandon. This was to be an arduous journey, and what’s more, I have to set out on it alone, with only God at my side.
For some reason we never see the faults in ourselves as much as in others. On some level, we probably know, and are judging people for sharing characteristics with ourselves.
Allow myself to introduce myself:
I am a liar, a cheat, I am very selfish, and I unintentionally or inadvertently cause wreckage in the lives of the people surrounding me. The premise being: it’s never my fault, because I said so; and I was right.
I am great at making up excuses and reasoning with myself to justify my actions, before and after the fact.
This was my thought process while I was stationed in that bottle. I say stationed, because, over time, that bottle and I had gotten into a few jams; handcuffs hurt.
Over time…Over time, I became aware that I was living in a war zone and did nothing to improve it. The bottle deflected most of the shrapnel and it kept me sleeping… Most nights I would come home to screaming and demands that needed to be met, so I would turn to the solitude I had created for myself.
I became bitter and resentful. I was irritable, restless, and discontent. Life did not matter to me and I took everything for granted.
It is hard to repair the damage that we do to other people and relationships. Sometimes we can never mend the break and it leaves a permanent scar. This is life, live it on life’s terms.
When you finally hit rock bottom, I hope you find the serenity that I have found.
I don’t live in the same place I used to. I moved out and left all my garbage and the wreckage of my past behind, for the next tenant.
Nobody ever talks about falling out of the bottle. That is when you fall back into life. If you are like me, anyway, you will know who you are.
I can sleep now…